1 00:00:03,070 --> 00:00:06,104 ♪ It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:09,408 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV 3 00:00:09,476 --> 00:00:12,911 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values 4 00:00:12,979 --> 00:00:15,981 ♪ On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:16,049 --> 00:00:19,250 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:19,319 --> 00:00:22,587 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do 7 00:00:22,656 --> 00:00:24,256 ♪ All the things that make us 8 00:00:24,325 --> 00:00:25,958 ♪ Laugh and cry 9 00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:31,163 ♪ He's a family guy ♪ 10 00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:37,980 This Tuesday on Lifetime, 11 00:00:38,004 --> 00:00:41,173 Valerie Bertinelli stars in a Lifetime original movie. 12 00:00:41,241 --> 00:00:43,975 You know, Doctor, you said you were going to cure my cancer, 13 00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:45,711 but all you did was rape me. 14 00:00:45,780 --> 00:00:47,891 I'm starting to think I don't have cancer at all. 15 00:00:47,915 --> 00:00:49,860 Well, you're right, about the rape part, 16 00:00:49,884 --> 00:00:51,862 but I'm sorry, you still do have cancer. 17 00:00:54,087 --> 00:00:55,765 Valerie Bertinelli in... 18 00:00:59,526 --> 00:01:03,629 Brian, did you know that Daryl Hannah has one wooden finger? 19 00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:05,342 Really? Where did you read that? 20 00:01:05,366 --> 00:01:06,831 In People magazine. 21 00:01:08,435 --> 00:01:10,380 Jillian, can you run and get me a beer from the kitchen? 22 00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:12,103 Oh, yeah, sure, no problem. 23 00:01:12,172 --> 00:01:14,517 Hey, Jillian, you and Brian got big plans tonight? 24 00:01:14,541 --> 00:01:17,275 Yeah. Brian's taking me to Disney On Ice. 25 00:01:18,445 --> 00:01:20,011 I want to go. 26 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,413 Well, Peter, if you want, you can have my ticket. 27 00:01:22,482 --> 00:01:25,451 What? But, Brian, I thought you wanted to go. 28 00:01:25,519 --> 00:01:28,987 Stitch is going to do a skating duet with Sebastian, the crab. 29 00:01:30,157 --> 00:01:31,756 It's not really my cup of tea. 30 00:01:31,825 --> 00:01:34,560 Plus, Walt Disney was an outspoken anti-Semite. 31 00:01:34,628 --> 00:01:39,464 So, Disney, ABC, ESPN, Touchstone... These would all be things to avoid. 32 00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:44,535 Well, oh, okay. Peter, you want to go see Disney On Ice? 33 00:01:49,042 --> 00:01:50,675 Oh, God, yes! 34 00:01:50,744 --> 00:01:54,145 I'll be right back. I'm going to go put on my Donald Duck costume. 35 00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:56,214 Ready. 36 00:02:01,521 --> 00:02:04,890 Meg, lend me 25 cents so I can ride the toy airplane outside 37 00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:06,992 and make the immigrant kids jealous. 38 00:02:08,896 --> 00:02:11,796 Look at me. I'm having a magical aerial adventure 39 00:02:11,866 --> 00:02:15,100 because my family has disposable income. Here you go. 40 00:02:15,169 --> 00:02:16,345 What is this? 41 00:02:16,369 --> 00:02:18,837 It's a pamphlet on why I'm bombing you. 42 00:02:18,906 --> 00:02:20,383 Hey, Meg. Hi, Carl. 43 00:02:20,407 --> 00:02:21,918 Hey, how come you're always here by yourself? 44 00:02:21,942 --> 00:02:23,509 Are you, like, a bitch or something? 45 00:02:23,577 --> 00:02:24,777 No, I have friends. 46 00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:25,944 Oh. 47 00:02:26,013 --> 00:02:27,879 Well, you should bring some of them in here. 48 00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:29,959 Any of them have braces? Yeah. 49 00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:34,052 I love braces. My mom has them. 50 00:02:34,121 --> 00:02:38,390 Well, listen... I need disposable diapers, but it looks like you're out. 51 00:02:38,459 --> 00:02:41,293 Oh, no, I got some in the stockroom. Hang on. 52 00:02:41,361 --> 00:02:43,973 Oh, Vince Vaughn's on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. 53 00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:46,309 Here's my summary of every Vince Vaughn movie. 54 00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:48,499 "Oh, I'm incapable of loving another person. 55 00:02:48,568 --> 00:02:50,613 "Oh, wait, no, I'm not. The end." 56 00:02:50,637 --> 00:02:53,838 I don't even want to look at his face. 57 00:02:53,907 --> 00:02:55,951 Stewie, what the hell are you doing? 58 00:02:55,975 --> 00:02:59,478 Oh, my God! Now, I've got to clean all this up. 59 00:03:01,548 --> 00:03:03,215 Carl, I'm so sorry. 60 00:03:03,283 --> 00:03:06,362 Wow, Meg, you alphabetized all the magazines. 61 00:03:06,386 --> 00:03:07,530 Hey, you want a job? 62 00:03:07,554 --> 00:03:10,755 What? Me? Here? Yeah, sure. 63 00:03:10,824 --> 00:03:12,704 Great. You start tomorrow. 64 00:03:16,664 --> 00:03:18,464 Hey, Chris. Hey, Meg. 65 00:03:19,232 --> 00:03:20,799 I don't have any money, 66 00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:23,946 so I'm going to have to pay for these comic books with my poo. 67 00:03:23,970 --> 00:03:25,548 Chris, how come you don't have any money? 68 00:03:25,572 --> 00:03:26,972 I thought you had a paper route. 69 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:30,208 Well, I'm taking a sabbatical to focus on my pottery. 70 00:03:30,277 --> 00:03:32,277 Oh. How's that working out? 71 00:03:32,345 --> 00:03:34,257 Not good, Meg, not good. 72 00:03:34,281 --> 00:03:37,148 Well, maybe I could talk to Carl and get you a job here. 73 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:38,449 You could do that? 74 00:03:38,518 --> 00:03:41,152 Absolutely. Carl totally trusts me. 75 00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:43,688 You and I will be the best brother-sister team 76 00:03:43,757 --> 00:03:45,690 since Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal. 77 00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:47,159 I'm more off-putting. 78 00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:48,838 No, I'm more off-putting. 79 00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:51,296 I'm more unattractive to put in a lead role. 80 00:03:51,365 --> 00:03:53,442 Well, I'm a bigger box office drag. 81 00:03:53,466 --> 00:03:55,500 Kids, kids. You're both... 82 00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:56,935 Just awful. 83 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:01,418 Oh, hi, Brian. 84 00:04:01,442 --> 00:04:03,353 I thought you were spending the day with Jillian. 85 00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:05,710 I was, but Peter took her off my hands. 86 00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:08,380 Perfect timing. I've been feeling a little smothered lately. 87 00:04:08,448 --> 00:04:10,748 Plus, it's given me a chance to work on my novel. 88 00:04:10,817 --> 00:04:12,450 And I finally have a title. 89 00:04:12,519 --> 00:04:13,751 Oh, what is it? 90 00:04:13,820 --> 00:04:16,588 "Faster Than the Speed of Love." 91 00:04:20,026 --> 00:04:22,227 That is the worst title I've ever heard. 92 00:04:22,296 --> 00:04:25,297 No, it's the story of a boy who has to rescue his father, 93 00:04:25,365 --> 00:04:28,900 who's a pilot that's been taken captive by a militant Islamic country. 94 00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:32,315 That's the movie Iron Eagle. 95 00:04:32,339 --> 00:04:36,174 What? Is that... Is that a recent film? 96 00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:38,476 They made three sequels! 97 00:04:38,545 --> 00:04:40,011 Yeah, well, in mine, 98 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:42,058 the boy's got to gather all these old World War II pilots 99 00:04:42,082 --> 00:04:44,316 to help him rescue his father. 100 00:04:44,384 --> 00:04:48,587 That's one of the sequels! 101 00:04:48,656 --> 00:04:51,956 Well, well, in mine, one of the World War II guys is Japanese, 102 00:04:52,025 --> 00:04:53,892 but they accept him anyway. 103 00:04:55,262 --> 00:04:57,529 I'm going to pee in my pants! 104 00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:03,267 Boy, it sure is fun hanging out with you, Peter. 105 00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:08,651 That means "thank you" in my new language I'm inventing. 106 00:05:10,009 --> 00:05:12,276 Anyway, all I was saying is, if you think about it, 107 00:05:12,345 --> 00:05:14,624 it shouldn't have been Ferris Bueller's Day Off. 108 00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:17,148 It should've been Ferris Bueller's Day On, 109 00:05:17,216 --> 00:05:19,061 'cause that was all the stuff he wanted to do. 110 00:05:19,085 --> 00:05:21,886 Yeah! And he was so on that day, 111 00:05:21,955 --> 00:05:24,088 so it kind of works on two levels. 112 00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:25,668 Well, I don't know what you mean by that, 113 00:05:25,692 --> 00:05:27,303 but how about that Cameron, huh? 114 00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:29,594 Oh, definitely. Am I right? 115 00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:31,463 It was his day off, too. 116 00:05:31,531 --> 00:05:33,609 That is just what I was going to... His day off... 117 00:05:33,633 --> 00:05:35,311 That is just what I was going to say. 118 00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:37,869 You know, you are a catch, young lady. You know that? 119 00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:40,516 I don't know when the hell Brian is going to open his eyes 120 00:05:40,540 --> 00:05:41,651 and get serious with you. 121 00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:44,175 I really wish he would. 122 00:05:44,244 --> 00:05:47,379 It'd be so great if we were at least living together. 123 00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:49,759 Well, you need to just lay it on the line with him. 124 00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:52,028 Either he commits to you, or you're gone. 125 00:05:52,052 --> 00:05:54,318 What the hell did you do? 126 00:05:54,388 --> 00:05:57,322 Because of what you said, Jillian wants us to move in together! 127 00:05:57,391 --> 00:05:58,634 Well, I think you should, Brian. 128 00:05:58,658 --> 00:06:00,236 She's beautiful, she's funny, 129 00:06:00,260 --> 00:06:02,928 and she is smart as the day is wide. 130 00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:06,316 Don't you understand? I don't want a committed relationship with Jillian. 131 00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:09,212 Well, it sounds like she does. 132 00:06:09,236 --> 00:06:10,613 And if you're never going to get serious, 133 00:06:10,637 --> 00:06:11,981 then you're not being fair to her. 134 00:06:12,005 --> 00:06:13,482 I mean, what are you, Brian? 135 00:06:13,506 --> 00:06:16,674 One of those creepy guys who just uses a woman for sex? 136 00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:18,855 Because Jillian deserves better. 137 00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:21,079 She has feelings, you know, 138 00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:24,308 and she's devoted a lot of time and energy to this relationship 139 00:06:24,351 --> 00:06:25,784 with some expectation 140 00:06:25,853 --> 00:06:28,431 that it could grow into something much more significant, 141 00:06:28,455 --> 00:06:31,089 and if you're just stringing her along, 142 00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:34,403 well, then I got to say, I have lost a lot of respect for you, Brian. 143 00:06:34,427 --> 00:06:36,339 You don't really think I'm like that, do you? 144 00:06:36,363 --> 00:06:38,062 Prove me wrong. 145 00:06:38,131 --> 00:06:39,242 All right, I will, Lois. 146 00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:41,043 I will ask her to move in with me, 147 00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:43,046 and you'll see, I've got what it takes. 148 00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:44,350 See, that wasn't so bad, was it? 149 00:06:45,439 --> 00:06:47,672 I got to say, that was fantastic. 150 00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:50,208 What do you say, we go back to your place for round two? 151 00:06:50,277 --> 00:06:51,643 Sounds good to me. 152 00:06:54,214 --> 00:06:58,116 - Wow, three times in a row. - You're amazing, Glenn. 153 00:06:58,185 --> 00:07:00,330 Well, I just take a lot of pride in what I do. 154 00:07:00,354 --> 00:07:02,754 Hey, what's going on here? 155 00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:05,157 Get off my wife! 156 00:07:05,226 --> 00:07:06,636 Oh, my God, oh, my God! 157 00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:11,063 You shot my Homie! I'm calling the police! 158 00:07:12,299 --> 00:07:13,365 Ay Caramba! 159 00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:14,933 Mum and Dad are dead! 160 00:07:16,337 --> 00:07:19,804 Oh, no, who will pay for my saxophone lessons? 161 00:07:33,487 --> 00:07:35,198 Boy, you know, I got to tell you, Jillian, 162 00:07:35,222 --> 00:07:37,288 this move is really working out great. 163 00:07:37,357 --> 00:07:39,091 It just feels right, you know. 164 00:07:39,159 --> 00:07:41,359 Cool. Rock on, Brian. 165 00:07:41,428 --> 00:07:42,594 Okay, done. 166 00:07:45,765 --> 00:07:47,310 Stewie. Hey. What's up? 167 00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:49,567 Oh, I was just on my way back from the cobbler. 168 00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:52,170 Figured before I stopped by the apothecary, I'd come here, 169 00:07:52,239 --> 00:07:54,406 and then it's off to the haberdasher. 170 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:57,342 These turn of the century business jokes doing anything for you? 171 00:07:57,411 --> 00:07:59,322 Not really. Did you use the jokes? 172 00:07:59,346 --> 00:08:01,246 Yeah, they're not landing. 173 00:08:02,649 --> 00:08:04,182 Got your mail. So, how's it going? 174 00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:06,462 I tell you, Stewie, it's going great. 175 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:09,187 And that's the worst part. I can't afford the rent. 176 00:08:09,256 --> 00:08:11,434 I'll be lucky if I can make it to the end of the month. 177 00:08:11,458 --> 00:08:12,769 Sounds like you need a roommate. 178 00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:14,170 Where did you get that kind of money? 179 00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:15,914 I picked up Chris's paper route. 180 00:08:19,866 --> 00:08:24,068 Oh, OshKosh B'Gosh, it's a brand new paperboy. 181 00:08:24,136 --> 00:08:26,170 That's a mighty full sack you're carrying. 182 00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:28,384 Piss off, you perverted old freak! 183 00:08:28,408 --> 00:08:30,074 Oh, we got a fighter. 184 00:08:33,646 --> 00:08:36,025 Wow, you were almost in a dirt bike race? 185 00:08:36,049 --> 00:08:38,448 Yeah, yeah, I filled out most of the paperwork, too. 186 00:08:38,517 --> 00:08:41,318 You are the coolest guy I have ever met. 187 00:08:41,387 --> 00:08:42,420 Yeah? 188 00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:43,955 Hey, guys. 189 00:08:44,023 --> 00:08:46,591 Chris, I need you to stack the boxes in the back for me. 190 00:08:46,659 --> 00:08:48,893 You know what, Meg? Why don't you do that? 191 00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,506 I need Chris up here with me. 192 00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:52,062 But the boxes are really heavy. 193 00:08:52,131 --> 00:08:54,977 Oh, that's 'cause there's a bunch of stuff in them. 194 00:08:55,001 --> 00:08:56,001 Chris? 195 00:08:57,169 --> 00:08:58,670 Yeah. 196 00:08:58,738 --> 00:09:00,904 Chris, you ever see the movie Cruel Intentions? 197 00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:02,639 No. 198 00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:06,177 Oh, Selma Blair and Sarah Michelle Gellar make out. It's pretty hot. 199 00:09:06,245 --> 00:09:08,045 47 minutes, 16 seconds in. 200 00:09:08,114 --> 00:09:09,658 No way. Yeah, yeah. 201 00:09:09,682 --> 00:09:11,060 You know what's another great movie? 202 00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:13,350 Career Opportunities with Jennifer Connelly. 203 00:09:13,419 --> 00:09:15,652 I mean, that's one of those movies that... 204 00:09:15,721 --> 00:09:19,590 I mean, she's really hot in it, but it's also a good movie. 205 00:09:19,658 --> 00:09:22,471 She was in A Beautiful Mind, and I've got to say, 206 00:09:22,495 --> 00:09:27,131 the direction was excellent, but I was very disappointed that she... 207 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,766 Wore clothes the entire film. 208 00:09:29,835 --> 00:09:31,502 Was she hot in it? 209 00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:36,073 Yeah, in the way that, like, classy women with expensive clothing 210 00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:39,182 who never take them off are hot, you know? 211 00:09:39,712 --> 00:09:41,290 No. All right. 212 00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:43,092 So, like, you see a hot girl, 213 00:09:43,116 --> 00:09:45,827 and you're, like, "Okay, I appreciate your exterior beauty 214 00:09:45,851 --> 00:09:47,262 "'cause you've definitely worked at it 215 00:09:47,286 --> 00:09:50,599 "with the clothing, and the jewelry, and the makeup and stuff." 216 00:09:50,623 --> 00:09:53,890 But secretly, I'm just, like, "Hey, man... 217 00:09:53,959 --> 00:09:57,361 "Where is the chase and how do I cut to it?" 218 00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:58,862 Wow, you're smart. 219 00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:02,266 What? 220 00:10:05,571 --> 00:10:08,906 Listen, I hope you don't mind Stewie staying with us for a little while. 221 00:10:08,975 --> 00:10:12,109 He... He just gets really lonely without me at home. 222 00:10:12,178 --> 00:10:17,314 You're so fatherly. It really turns me on. 223 00:10:17,383 --> 00:10:21,052 Brian, there's no more graham crackers. 224 00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:22,519 They're in the cabinet. 225 00:10:22,588 --> 00:10:24,021 I don't see them. 226 00:10:24,090 --> 00:10:27,357 They're right in front of you. Which cabinet are you looking at? 227 00:10:27,426 --> 00:10:29,271 Can't you just come in here? 228 00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:30,828 No, I'm busy! 229 00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:37,301 Oh, no! Oh, no, Brian! 230 00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:39,749 Oh, no! Oh, no! 231 00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:42,752 Oh, Brian, we need paper towels! 232 00:10:42,776 --> 00:10:46,677 Oh! Oh, it's going under the fridge! Oh! 233 00:10:46,746 --> 00:10:47,990 Just use a dish towel! 234 00:10:48,014 --> 00:10:49,358 There aren't any, Brian! 235 00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:53,584 You need to come in here! Oh! We are gonna have ants! 236 00:10:59,224 --> 00:11:00,858 A hundred points. 237 00:11:00,927 --> 00:11:03,026 Meg, clean up aisle two. 238 00:11:03,095 --> 00:11:05,729 What the hell is this? I am not cleaning this up. 239 00:11:05,798 --> 00:11:08,399 Meg, less talkie, more sweepie. 240 00:11:08,467 --> 00:11:09,500 Shut up, Chris! 241 00:11:09,569 --> 00:11:11,101 You can't tell me what to do. 242 00:11:11,170 --> 00:11:13,481 Actually, Meg, as your supervisor, he can. 243 00:11:13,505 --> 00:11:14,572 Supervisor? 244 00:11:14,641 --> 00:11:15,951 Yeah, I promoted him this morning. 245 00:11:15,975 --> 00:11:18,042 Promoted me this morning. What? 246 00:11:18,110 --> 00:11:21,411 Carl, you promised me that assistant manager position. 247 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:22,980 Meg, things change. 248 00:11:23,049 --> 00:11:25,293 Hey, you ever see Broken Lizard's Club Dread? 249 00:11:25,317 --> 00:11:26,517 No. 250 00:11:26,585 --> 00:11:28,764 Well, go see that movie and absorb its message, 251 00:11:28,788 --> 00:11:30,966 and you'll get the gist of what I'm talking about. 252 00:11:30,990 --> 00:11:32,356 Carl, this isn't fair! 253 00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:34,102 All right, then, you're fired. 254 00:11:34,126 --> 00:11:37,361 What? But... No, you can't... 255 00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:43,100 Don't worry about it, Chris, she'll be fine. 256 00:11:43,169 --> 00:11:47,104 Hey, by the way, you know who else is hot in kind of a screwed up way? 257 00:11:47,173 --> 00:11:48,706 Mary Stuart Masterson. 258 00:11:48,775 --> 00:11:51,520 Yeah, yeah, in that sort of "you think you could get her, 259 00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:53,756 "'cause she could be your brother" kind of thing. 260 00:11:53,780 --> 00:11:57,214 Like, she's gettable, you know? Like Elisabeth Shue. 261 00:11:57,283 --> 00:11:59,349 Oh, I remember her. Yeah. 262 00:11:59,418 --> 00:12:04,689 You know, she was in Leaving Las Vegas in addition to Adventures in Babysitting. 263 00:12:04,757 --> 00:12:06,535 One of those underrated actresses 264 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,370 that was always talented and beautiful, 265 00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:10,539 and never quite popped, if you know the meaning. 266 00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:12,830 Who, Elisabeth Shue? Yeah. 267 00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:17,101 Like totally naked in Leaving Las Vegas. 268 00:12:17,169 --> 00:12:21,238 And still so hot. Like... 269 00:12:21,307 --> 00:12:22,573 I don't see art films. 270 00:12:22,642 --> 00:12:24,341 Like, like, crazy hot. 271 00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:27,745 Yeah, it's about 39 minutes, 45 seconds in. 272 00:12:27,814 --> 00:12:29,658 Oh. It's a really exceptional sequence. 273 00:12:29,682 --> 00:12:32,694 I mean, Nick Cage is poisoning himself with alcohol. 274 00:12:32,718 --> 00:12:35,753 He's a... He's a failed writer who just decides that, 275 00:12:35,821 --> 00:12:37,933 "Oh, I'm going to have a big last hurrah in Las Vegas." 276 00:12:37,957 --> 00:12:42,159 And then he meets a whore and pays her a bunch of money to stay with him, 277 00:12:42,227 --> 00:12:45,340 and have sex with him while he murders himself slowly. 278 00:12:45,364 --> 00:12:46,942 And, you know, she's game for it, 279 00:12:46,966 --> 00:12:48,877 but she catches feelings midway through 280 00:12:48,901 --> 00:12:50,378 and the whole thing changes. 281 00:12:50,402 --> 00:12:52,937 Wow, have you seen Cocktail? 282 00:12:53,005 --> 00:12:55,005 Yeah, yeah. She was in that. 283 00:12:55,041 --> 00:12:56,941 She was in that. Yeah. 284 00:13:06,285 --> 00:13:07,384 You like that? 285 00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:08,886 Yeah, it's rad. 286 00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:11,688 Don't talk, please. Hang on, let me get a condom. 287 00:13:11,757 --> 00:13:13,925 Brian, are you guys up? 288 00:13:13,993 --> 00:13:15,204 Stewie, what the hell are you doing? 289 00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:16,327 Go back to bed. 290 00:13:16,395 --> 00:13:18,029 But I'm not tired. 291 00:13:18,097 --> 00:13:19,997 And I'm lonely. 292 00:13:20,065 --> 00:13:22,567 Oh, come, get in bed with us. 293 00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:24,279 Oh, all right. "Dear Penthouse Forum." 294 00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:26,203 No, no, Stewie, go away! 295 00:13:26,272 --> 00:13:28,050 Brian, don't be mean to him. 296 00:13:28,074 --> 00:13:31,241 Yes, Brian, if you're mean to me, I'll stop paying the rent. 297 00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:32,543 What did he say? 298 00:13:32,612 --> 00:13:34,144 Nothing. 299 00:13:34,213 --> 00:13:37,414 That's right, I'm paying Mr. Lickity Self's half of the rent. 300 00:13:37,483 --> 00:13:38,816 Is that true? 301 00:13:38,884 --> 00:13:41,085 All right, yes, fine, it's true. 302 00:13:41,153 --> 00:13:42,931 Why didn't you say anything? 303 00:13:42,955 --> 00:13:45,455 Because you wanted me to move in so badly, 304 00:13:45,525 --> 00:13:47,257 and God knows I didn't want to... 305 00:13:47,326 --> 00:13:50,594 Wait... You didn't want to move in with me? 306 00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,763 Well, honestly, no. 307 00:13:52,831 --> 00:13:56,600 Oh, my God! I've never felt so stupid! 308 00:13:56,668 --> 00:13:58,113 Really? Really? 309 00:13:58,137 --> 00:14:00,182 Well, I don't want to be your guilty burden, Brian! 310 00:14:00,206 --> 00:14:02,239 We're through! 311 00:14:02,308 --> 00:14:03,607 Jillian, wait! 312 00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:04,708 Damn it. 313 00:14:04,777 --> 00:14:05,921 I'm sorry, Brian. 314 00:14:05,945 --> 00:14:07,456 You'll feel better in the morning. 315 00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:11,927 Hey, you know what you should do? 316 00:14:11,951 --> 00:14:13,361 You should have sex with somebody else 317 00:14:13,385 --> 00:14:15,564 just to get back at her for walking out on you. 318 00:14:15,588 --> 00:14:16,832 Just have sex with somebody. 319 00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:19,167 Anybody. Just don't even think about it. 320 00:14:19,191 --> 00:14:22,159 The next person you see. The very next person you see. 321 00:14:31,771 --> 00:14:34,237 She's gone, Jillian's gone. 322 00:14:34,306 --> 00:14:35,984 Look, Brian, I know you're upset now, 323 00:14:36,008 --> 00:14:38,876 but I think it's important to see things in perspective. 324 00:14:38,944 --> 00:14:42,446 Remember when Alex P. Keaton lost his girlfriend? 325 00:14:42,515 --> 00:14:45,816 And then he got another one, and everything was all right? 326 00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:48,985 And then he got Parkinson's. Yikes. 327 00:14:49,054 --> 00:14:50,754 You know, Stewie, you're right. 328 00:14:50,822 --> 00:14:53,157 This is not a loss, it's an opportunity. 329 00:14:53,225 --> 00:14:56,093 I'm free now. I've got my own place, no attachments. 330 00:14:56,162 --> 00:14:57,727 There you are. 331 00:14:57,796 --> 00:15:00,509 That's just the kind of can-do spirit that built this nation. 332 00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:03,234 "We hold these truths to be self-evident, 333 00:15:03,302 --> 00:15:05,447 "that all men are created equal." 334 00:15:05,471 --> 00:15:07,138 Except the Jews. 335 00:15:07,206 --> 00:15:10,207 Franklin, for the fifth time, I'm sorry you overpaid for your house, 336 00:15:10,276 --> 00:15:11,453 but it's not going in. 337 00:15:11,477 --> 00:15:12,709 You'll be sorry. 338 00:15:12,779 --> 00:15:14,211 Noted. Moving on. 339 00:15:17,183 --> 00:15:19,427 So, Meg, any luck finding another job? 340 00:15:19,451 --> 00:15:22,285 No. Hardly anybody's hiring right now. 341 00:15:22,354 --> 00:15:26,123 The only job I could find was for a phone sex line, and I sucked at it. 342 00:15:26,192 --> 00:15:32,262 What am I wearing? A hat and glasses. 343 00:15:33,065 --> 00:15:35,699 What kind of underwear? 344 00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:37,034 I don't know. 345 00:15:37,102 --> 00:15:40,771 Big underwear, I guess. I'm sorry, what? 346 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:44,742 Oh, what would I do to you? Well... 347 00:15:44,811 --> 00:15:50,080 I guess maybe we'd get pizza. And we could watch House. 348 00:15:50,149 --> 00:15:51,760 All right, I am totally flaccid, 349 00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:54,385 but thank you anyway, ma'am, I appreciated your time. 350 00:15:54,453 --> 00:15:56,186 Mom, check it out! 351 00:15:56,255 --> 00:16:00,490 I just got my paycheck and my salary's doubled ever since Meg got fired. 352 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:03,027 Oh, shut up, you bastard! 353 00:16:03,095 --> 00:16:05,140 Chris, we should have a talk about Meg. 354 00:16:05,164 --> 00:16:07,342 She's really upset that she got fired. 355 00:16:07,366 --> 00:16:10,367 Gee, I didn't realize working at the store meant that much to her. 356 00:16:10,436 --> 00:16:14,104 You know, it would mean the world to her if she could get her job back. 357 00:16:14,172 --> 00:16:17,285 And you'd be one terrific brother if you could help her. 358 00:16:17,309 --> 00:16:20,511 Well, gosh, Mom, I'll sure try. Poor Meg. 359 00:16:20,579 --> 00:16:25,850 She got a worse deal than that no-armed baseball player, Bucky LaGrange. 360 00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:28,363 Groundball to shortstop. The throw is to second, 361 00:16:28,387 --> 00:16:32,656 and again, the ball sails past LaGrange into right field. 362 00:16:32,725 --> 00:16:37,394 The runners will score and a cascade of "boos" rain down from the stands, 363 00:16:37,463 --> 00:16:42,633 as clearly the fans' sympathy for this scrappy, little no-armed man has run out. 364 00:16:42,701 --> 00:16:44,935 Now, granted, the throw was a little wide, 365 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:48,250 but you've got to believe that a two-armed player would've made the catch. 366 00:16:48,274 --> 00:16:51,575 In fact, a one-armed player would have at least had a shot at it, 367 00:16:51,644 --> 00:16:54,311 which calls to mind the question once again, 368 00:16:54,380 --> 00:16:57,882 why, with all the two-armed youngsters waiting in the minor leagues, 369 00:16:57,950 --> 00:17:00,484 does this team stick with an armless second baseman? 370 00:17:00,552 --> 00:17:02,619 And he hasn't had a hit in ever. 371 00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:05,289 In ever, Jerry. In ever. 372 00:17:11,731 --> 00:17:14,231 What the hell? What are you people doing in my apartment? 373 00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:17,000 Hey! You made it. 374 00:17:17,069 --> 00:17:18,469 What is all this? What's going on? 375 00:17:18,537 --> 00:17:20,348 You, that's what's going on. 376 00:17:20,372 --> 00:17:22,183 Come on, time for you to meet some women 377 00:17:22,207 --> 00:17:24,775 who are gonna make you forget about Jillian. 378 00:17:24,843 --> 00:17:26,555 Looks like there's a lot of gay guys here. 379 00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:28,912 Yeah, everybody's having a good time. 380 00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:31,315 Brian, I want to introduce you to Joanna. 381 00:17:31,383 --> 00:17:33,818 Look out for this one, she's a bit of a card. 382 00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:36,020 Okay, here's one for you. 383 00:17:36,088 --> 00:17:38,823 What food can't make up its mind? 384 00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:40,991 This is gonna be good. 385 00:17:42,594 --> 00:17:44,361 A waffle. 386 00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:54,004 This one. Didn't I warn you, right? Right? 387 00:17:58,444 --> 00:18:00,044 How are you still single? 388 00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:06,216 Hey there, buddy. Check it out. Check it out. 389 00:18:06,284 --> 00:18:10,019 I put a cruller in the Jerry's Kids jar. I thought that would be funny. 390 00:18:10,088 --> 00:18:14,291 That is hilarious, but, Carl, I want you to hire my sister back. 391 00:18:14,359 --> 00:18:16,037 No, Chris, she's a pain in the ass. 392 00:18:16,061 --> 00:18:17,828 I don't want her back in here. 393 00:18:17,896 --> 00:18:22,265 Well, that's a shame, because I watched Event Horizon last night. 394 00:18:22,334 --> 00:18:24,535 No way! We have to talk about it! 395 00:18:24,603 --> 00:18:27,415 Yeah, well, my memory is kind of hazy. 396 00:18:27,439 --> 00:18:30,106 We have to talk about every scene, man. 397 00:18:30,175 --> 00:18:34,111 Hey, hey, hey! Remember when Jack Noseworthy's eyes explode? 398 00:18:34,179 --> 00:18:35,512 Wasn't that awesome? 399 00:18:35,581 --> 00:18:37,647 Please agree with me that, that was awesome. 400 00:18:37,716 --> 00:18:40,650 Well, if you hire Meg back, maybe I'll have an opinion. 401 00:18:40,719 --> 00:18:43,921 She's hired, she's hired! What do you think of it? 402 00:18:43,990 --> 00:18:45,288 It was awesome! 403 00:18:45,357 --> 00:18:46,456 Wasn't it awesome? 404 00:18:46,525 --> 00:18:47,891 It was totally awesome! 405 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:51,461 It was the most awesome thing ever! Hug me! 406 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:56,278 Hey, how you doing, Brian? 407 00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:57,668 Lousy. 408 00:18:57,736 --> 00:19:01,738 I know who can cheer you up. The robot from SpaceCamp. 409 00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:04,808 Brian and Jinx are friends. 410 00:19:04,877 --> 00:19:06,176 Get that out of here. 411 00:19:06,245 --> 00:19:09,605 Okay, how about the robot from Rocky IV? 412 00:19:21,093 --> 00:19:23,572 Look, Stewie, get these stupid '80s movie robots out of here, 413 00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:24,895 and leave me alone. 414 00:19:24,963 --> 00:19:26,763 It's all your fault that Jillian's gone. 415 00:19:26,832 --> 00:19:30,667 My fault? Brian, you've got no one to blame but yourself. 416 00:19:30,736 --> 00:19:32,714 You let the fat man talk you into moving out. 417 00:19:32,738 --> 00:19:34,249 You let Jillian walk out the door. 418 00:19:34,273 --> 00:19:36,084 Stop getting pushed around. 419 00:19:36,108 --> 00:19:38,987 Be a man. If you want her, go get her. 420 00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:41,378 You know something? You are absolutely right. 421 00:19:41,447 --> 00:19:45,115 It is time for me to take charge of my own life. 422 00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:48,686 Stand aside, I got to get my girl back. 423 00:19:49,721 --> 00:19:51,388 Go, get her, Brian. 424 00:20:05,338 --> 00:20:06,370 Hi. 425 00:20:06,439 --> 00:20:07,838 Hi, Brian. 426 00:20:07,906 --> 00:20:09,417 What are you doing here? 427 00:20:09,441 --> 00:20:12,742 Jillian, look, I made a huge mistake. 428 00:20:12,811 --> 00:20:14,377 I don't want to lose you. 429 00:20:14,446 --> 00:20:16,791 You know, you really hurt me, Brian. 430 00:20:16,815 --> 00:20:18,860 And I can't let you do that again. 431 00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:20,717 Look, I won't. I promise. 432 00:20:20,786 --> 00:20:22,364 I don't know how to tell you this, 433 00:20:22,388 --> 00:20:25,489 but you're too late. I met someone else. 434 00:20:25,557 --> 00:20:27,803 Jillian, do you get the Oxygen Network? 435 00:20:27,827 --> 00:20:30,928 If I miss my Moesha, I get a bit crabby. 436 00:20:30,996 --> 00:20:32,663 In a minute, Adam. 437 00:20:33,766 --> 00:20:36,699 Well, I guess this is good-bye. 438 00:20:36,769 --> 00:20:38,479 Please don't send me away. 439 00:20:38,503 --> 00:20:40,103 I have to. 440 00:20:40,172 --> 00:20:41,905 You broke my heart. 441 00:21:03,395 --> 00:21:05,929 Well, Meg, you got your job back. 442 00:21:05,998 --> 00:21:09,499 Actually, Chris, I don't. I really appreciate what you did for me, 443 00:21:09,568 --> 00:21:12,769 but I can't work for that guy anymore. He's a freak. 444 00:21:12,838 --> 00:21:14,982 The important thing is that you stood up for me, 445 00:21:15,006 --> 00:21:16,551 and I won't forget it. 446 00:21:16,575 --> 00:21:18,553 Oh, Brian, I know you miss Jillian, 447 00:21:18,577 --> 00:21:20,254 but it is good to have you back. 448 00:21:20,278 --> 00:21:21,745 Kind of sucks though. 449 00:21:21,813 --> 00:21:24,881 I mean, you are never gonna find a chick that hot again. 450 00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:26,894 You know what the mistake was, moving in together. 451 00:21:26,918 --> 00:21:29,586 Well, it's just another life experience, I guess. 452 00:21:29,655 --> 00:21:30,965 Hey, and look on the bright side. 453 00:21:30,989 --> 00:21:34,469 Maybe you got another chapter for your book. 454 00:21:36,729 --> 00:21:39,174 Oh, yeah, pile it on, pile it on. 455 00:21:39,198 --> 00:21:41,332 Welcome home, asshole!